Detox

Neurons that have fired together
wired together
fused in a conglomerate mess of red and blue and green
white, orange, and TNT
so much electricity that
signaling my higher self
still carries the countdown for
meltdown
3-2-1

click

and I revert to the simple alarm clock
triggered explosive
just a device just
vice
just
not my synaptic space instead
a glue of C4
pressed against a safe
that isn’t

I hate this and I can’t pull it apart
it’s inside my skull where I can’t reach
and where pain stabs me over, over, over
while I try to counterpressure its
demand

(take it, take your drug, you know you want it…)

because the conflict pressure stress
releases aaah my oh so familiar frenemy
she loves to hate me loves to take my limits
play them like a skipping rope
and sing
red pepper
double time
eevy ivy over

and I obey

why?

I cut her off today and walked away
leaving the rope limp on the ground
loose
a dead snake
a hollow whip
an untied noose

I love her like I love myself which is to say
with contempt

but maybe today I will find a way
to try an armoured vehicle approach
where robot hands
snip through the tangled cords
that hijack me
hold me terrified
of nothing much but
calm

Breathe
count 1-2-3
name colours
feel the breeze and
stay
even though I’m happy
it’s okay

it’s safe
the click is nothing but a door
unlocking